[EVA] Another Imcoming fic...

[Addison Godel]

At 03:16 PM 4/18/98 -0500, Michael Ahlf wrote:
>Hey, could I get some help on this? Version 2 goes to the archives, along
with
>credit for all those who help out with it.
>Note: I do NOT plan another HHGTTG/EVA crossover, unless this gets REALLY
good
>reviews, and probably not even then.

>  The Restuarant at the End of Third Impact.

'Restaurant'

>of the household?" like some sort of galactic door-to-door salesman,...

Ditch the , after 'salesman.'

>---------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------

The scene with Asuka trying to get into the apartment is -extremely-
confusingly written.  Freak space hole just sort of gets tossed in there,
Shinji's arrival at first sounds like he's outside, then we realize he's
inside, "palming" (?) the door switch.

Maybe I'm just dumb, but it did confuse me.

Scenes with the man in charge of the universe are cute and work well.  You
might want to work on the transitions back and forth from his place to
Misato's, since it's not always immediately clear.  Something like
"Meanwhile, back at Misato's" might fit nicely.  Might.

>After the episode of DBZ, the old man turned to the two and said, "could you

Capitalize the C in 'could.'

>Arthur and Ford replied, believing in the old man's inability to willfully
kill
>the
>universe.

Eh?  They replied?  I could see it as -complied-, if they believed in his
ability to kill the universe...or something....it's an odd sentence, in any
case.
>
>The _Guide_ has something to say on almost everything.  Somewhere in the
middle
>of it, some
>nit-witty editor took the comment "The ruler of the universe is a fan of
Anime"
>as a serious
>helpful comment, and edited it out as all bland comments are done, rather
than
>the interesting
>tidbit it was meant to be.  

Make this make sense.  Please.

According to Booblefrinx's third law of the
>Universe, "when a

Capitalize the W in 'when.'

Rest of that scene is quite amusing, except..

>Ford hung his head as the old man pranced out the door towards the Heart of
>Gold. "Did you
>really have to mention that? What if we've critically interrupted the
universe?"

It has admittedly been a while since I read the books, but this is somewhat
un-Ford-like dialogue, IMO.  Hrmmr.

Rei's hair thing is...odd.  I feel like I'm missing a reference here.  But
that's not your fault.

Next couple scenes work just fine.

>
>Three Evas stood in perfect triangular layout, waiting to see the ship come
>crashing down at them
>again.

You should perhaps explain why the Evas are being deployed to meet a
decidedly non-hostile spacecraft.  I assume they're supposed to catch it if
Ford crashes again, but you could make it a tad clearer.

>Rei's window answered "Hai".  For some reason, the little girl had arrived
with

Little girl?  That's a new one.

>voice only.  "Odd of the little freak,"Asuka thought, "but then, for her,
who's

Need a space before 'Asuka.'

Next couple scenes are, again, quite all right.

>
>"Four of us..." murmured Arthur,"... Quick! Didn't you say last time you had

Need a space after the comma after 'Arthur.'

>All of a sudden, the screens in the conference room lit up with the words,
"I'm
>depresssed."
>
>Then they went black.

Wait, doesn't that mean they've been infected?  Or is the idea that they
shut them off just in time to not let it get any further?
>
>"Got it." said Ritsuko.  "He was at the secret entrance near the restuarant

'Restaurant.'

>"The Anything Goes School of Super Seiyan Take-out Cuisine."  Underneath, in

If you mean the fellows from DBZ, they're either Saiyan (to use the dub
spelling) or, what is it...Saiyajin?  I forget.  But Seiyan is just wrong.

<snippage>  The rest of the fic gets a bit weird and confusing at points,
but I like the cat gag, so it's okay.  ^_^

Overall, this does need a lot of work; humor doesn't work if the prose
itself is unclear.  But I've pointed out the main things that threw me for
a second, so I hope this help.

Is it as good as the original?  I'll wait on the finished version to
decide.  It's definitely got a fighting chance, though.  

---Addison, who can see for miles and miles, who can see for miles and
miles...
 Check out the Umgurai Saga, my classic comic-book creation, at my web page!
 http://www.avana.net/~agodel/index.htm 
"I'm bored.  Er, I'm boring.  Or working.  Actually, I don't know what I
am." --- David Uzumeri